The “Reply of the Zaporozhian Cossacks” is a legendary and humorous piece of Ukrainian literature that has captivated readers for centuries. Written in 1676 as a response to an ultimatum from the Ottoman Sultan, the letter showcases the wit, bravery, and irreverence of the Zaporozhian Cossacks. With its colorful language and defiance of authority, the letter has become a symbol of Ukrainian resistance and a testament to the indomitable spirit of the Cossack warriors. In this blog post, I will try to explain why it can’t and won’t be written by a Turk to his sultan(s) today.

Turks might say the main reason is the “kingdom of fear” and the coercion created by the executive and legislative bodies of the state, and that wouldn’t be entirely wrong. Hell! It is actually an understatement, but it still isn’t the real reason. Back in the Ottoman era, some bards even had the audacity to say, “Decree is the Sultan’s, mountains are ours.” Ali Suavi, one of the brightest minds of his time, attempted to end the rapidly increasing authoritarianism and became a martyr of the first failed Turkish revolution. Oh, and three pashas managed to overthrow the damned bridegroom, risking their lives in the process. Hasan Tahsin and the first bullet, Patrona Halil riot, Celali rebellions, etc., are known by every Turk who has lived in Turkey.

If we delve into our ancient past, we can see the Turks and their love for freedom. Kürşad and the Jiesheshuai event is one of the favorite stories of the pan-Turkists, and it is basically about a tribal leader who tried to gain independence from Chinese subjugation. It is rumored that he died on his horse and never fell to the ground.

If we look at our recent past, we can see the Gezi Park protests. It looks like nearly 10 years ago, Turks used the last bullet in their magazine, the last meaningful and longest-lasting protest. Even in those days, Turkey could be considered a livable place, yet a protest could have formed just by a park demolition decision by the government. Eleven souls perished, and so did our culture of protest.

In the last week, petroleum prices have skyrocketed, our Ministry of Education said that mixed-sex education could be revoked, and some new taxes added to the menu. JUST IN THE LAST SEVEN FUCKING DAYS AND STILL NOT. EVEN. A. FUCKING. MEANINGFUL. PROTEST? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THEY COULD SODOMIZE YOU WITHOUT A LUBE AND YOU WOULDN’T EVEN SAY ”DAMN THAT KINDA HURTS”…one could say. But not me. No sir! I don’t want to end up in jail. I deeply condemn these toughts those could hurt our strong sultan. May he reign over us forever and ever.

So what happened? What has changed over the years?

We, the Turks, have lost our will to resist oppression, our spirit of freedom and a desire to live a peaceful life. Those cowards can’t even revolt against their own chickpea-headed party leader, that fake Indian-looking, dementia-ridden bastard, the homemade dictator, and loser of all elections. Oh, the right hand of the tyrant himself! OHH THE TRAITOR OF THE LAST LEGIT HOPE! He is coming to lose his last election next year and we are all watching like a deer that looking at lights of a car on the road! THOSE COWARDS COULDN’T EVEN GET RID OF A PARASITIC LIFEFORM THAT FEEDING ON THEIR HOPE AND HOPING FOR A CHANGE TO BETTER?!!! SHOULD ATATURK DIG UP HIS GRAVE AND SAVE YOU FROM THE SULTANS ONCE MORE?! SHOULD I WIPE YOUR ANUS AFTER YOU DEFECATE TO THE LEGACY OF THE LAST GREAT LEADER OF THE TURKS?!! ARE YOU THAT DENSE?! MAY GOD CLEANSE YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES IN THE ATOMIC FIRES. …one traitor of party could say. But not me. No my dear comrade! I don’t want to end up in a ditch. I deeply condemn these toughts those could hurt our party sultan. May he reign over us forever and ever.

I AM SORRY! I DID EVERYTHING THAT I COULD DO TO RECOVER THE SICK MAN OF NOT ONLY THE EUROPE BUT THE WHOLE WORLD. YOU AND I FAILED AND THEY HAVE WON. I TRIED AND WILL TRY (AGAIN AND AGAIN IF I HAVE TO) TO SAVE MY OWN SKIN. THERE WON’T BE A CHANGE FOR BETTER AND YOU SHOULD STOP DAYDREAMING AND WAKE THE FUCK UP. EITHER DO SOMETHING TO SAVE YOUR COUNTRY FROM IMPENDING DOOM OUR YOUR OWN ASS. YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERED… One nutcase could say. But you wouldn’t listen to the Cassandra right?

That letter meant for the alternative timeline Turkey citizens. We are living in heaven (TURKEY) and europe is jealous about us. The turks in europe would live here if they didn’t have an established order in europe. Our current great leader has a plan just let him finish it. We will be a world power and live like norvegians yigenim.